What is your Love Language?
If you don’t know your or your spouse's Love Language, take the assessment test at:
www.5lovelanguages.comYou'll be amazed at the difference it can make in your marriage!
so far this year.
Ask Jewell Please help me. I feel like my marriage is falling apart and I don't know what to do.
Ask Jewell
Q. Please help me. I feel like my marriage is falling apart and I don't know what to do. My wife and I are 25 and we met around 6 years ago and got married 2 years ago. I met her in Japan as an exchange student, and we fell in love with each other obsessively. For the next two years, all our thoughts were consumed with how to be together, from dating long distance, to her studying at my college for a while. I then moved to Japan for a year to be with her, and she then moved to the US to be with me permanently. We went through the entire Greencard and immigration process so that she could live in the US , which was incredibly expensive, time consuming, and stressful.
Now, she has a job where she works until 10pm every night and weekends too. I never have the opportunity to see her, and whenever I say something about it she gets extremely offended. I just finished graduate school, and for about a year, I was really busy too, but I was still at home most of the time. She thinks that because I was busy in school that she can completely ignore me now and that it is OK. On top of that, she wants to have free time outside of work with her friends or co-workers, and she says that time with me is a burden. I feel like the last thing she wants to do is spend time with me, and she even said yesterday that she doesn't enjoy it. Her job is destroying our relationship and she doesn't seem to care. I think she loves the company more than she loves me, if she even loves me anymore.
The thing is, I have been offered a six-figure job out of state, but she doesn't want to move. This job has great hours, low stress, and employs for life, so we would have lots of time together to do whatever we wanted. The other thing is that her job is very low paying, so we are struggling financially just to stay in this bad situation. I have the opportunity of a lifetime, but I think I would lose her if I took it. However, because of her work, there really isn't must left of our relationship at all. I just feel lonely and sad sitting at home waiting to see a glimpse of her, and she is usually tired and just wants to go to bed. Is keeping her worth it?
She and I devoted years of our lives to figuring out how to be together, and there was never a question of that being what we wanted. We also traveled the world together and have so many wonderful memories. I truly love her, and I don't think there is anyone out there for me besides her. At the same time, I feel like I shouldn't sacrifice such a great opportunity for myself to be with a woman that doesn't care about me.
What should I do???
A. I base my marriage coaching on the Word of God and personal experience. In my book Marriage 101, I described a time in my life where I felt my husband was the bottom line problem in our marriage and I wanted God to “Fix him”. But through prayer about my marriage, God told me to “Fix ME”! I was really upset about that because I was really tired of being the one to always apologize or make the first move and just simply felt like I was doing all the work of trying to make the marriage better. However, God still insisted on changing me….and HE would work on my husband. I had to show my husband more respect, and love him while he was unlovable, I had to cook for him when I wanted to put him out, and I had to tell him I love him when I wanted to cuss him out. I had to begin looking in the mirror and start changing ME. God began to show me my attitude, my behaviors, and my contributions to the problems in the marriage.
The Word of God tells us “Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children.” “Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us…… Ephesians 5:1 & 2
He goes on to say in Ephesians 5:25-33 “For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word…….in the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. Vrse 33 So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself and the wife must respect her husband.
I thought that was rather interesting that God commands men to LOVE, but to the wife He commands to RESPECT. I believe that these are our weaknesses; men struggle with Love, and women have a hard time showing respect and submission to their husband. So I think you should start with “Love”. I think that the decision to take another job needs to be placed on the back burner right now. Focus on loving her while she is unlovable. Your wife is not your enemy nor can she be controlled or manipulated so you can get your way so that YOU can be happy. It’s not your job to change HER, that’s God’s job. It’s your job to change YOU.
I don’t know if you and your wife have accepted Christ as your personal savior, but I do need to let you know that no matter how bad the situation is in your marriage, and how ugly you feel your wife’s actions may be….you are not fighting against HER, it’s actually satan. The bible tells us we don’t fight “…..against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places” Ephesians 6:12, So in other words, your battle is in the spirit, or invisible realm and you must attack him spiritually through prayer FOR your wife, not ABOUT her….in other words pray for her strength, pray for your love for one another to be renewed, etc. Not “God, change this woman, make her leave her job, make her spend more time with me”.
Begin winning her over by allowing her to see a change in you. Make her feel special; love her as you love yourself. Continue to be a good provider and always believe and speak the best about her. Keep yourself looking good & smelling nice, help with the house, and shower her with affection. Be irresistible! The more honorably you live (1Timothy 4:12 & James 3:13) the more God’s presence will infuse and change your marriage and satan becomes weakened in his attacks against your marriage because you are committed to obeying God despite your spouse’s actions.
