Ask Jewell

Q.

Hi, My name is Kathy and I been married for 5 yrs.. but in a relationship with him for 15yrs off and on we have 5 kids and 4 of them are his and it’s a lot I want to say but im not good with typing so I will get to the point. My husband smokes weed and drink we have a church home that we attend and we even had one of the rev. at the church counsel us and the problem still there. We have a 16 year old son and he is smoking weed and wont stop, my husband hasn’t spent any time with the kids and wants to hang out with family and friends who don’t want anything out of life.  I recently let my husband come back home because he was on facebook saying nasty things to different women so as I was reading your book marriage 101 and decided to let him back home under a few things that we find someone to counsel us and he had to stay away from his family and friends.  It worked until today he asked to go over his cousins house to watch the football game and I told him no and he went anyway what should I do?

A.

Hello Kathy and thank you for your question.  Your letter states that you have been married 5 years but in a relationship with him off and on for 15.  I’m not sure what that means….are you legally separated, is he still living with you or did he just move out?  I also do not know if you and your spouse are saved.  You say you have a church home, but that does not mean that you have actually given your lives to Christ.  If you are saved, and your husband is not, it can be particularly difficult as God warns us about entering marriage unequally yoked (2Cr 6:14).

Whatever the case may be, God & seeking Him through prayer & His word, is always the answer.  He does not always operate how or when we think He should, but He hears our prayers and He never leaves us or forsakes us.  He tells us to ask & we shall receive, if we believe when we pray and we hold no unforgiveness in our hearts. (Matthew 21:22)

I would advise you to pray first, asking God to give you wisdom over the situation and how to talk to your husband about it.  As the Holy Spirit leads you, talk to your husband about how his behavior is affecting you and your family.  A man who honors his wife will protect, respect, help and stay with her and lighten her load wherever he can.  He will be sensitive to her needs and he will relate to her with courtesy, consideration, insight and tact.  If a man is not considerate and respectful of his wife, his prayers will not be heard, because a living relationship with God depends on right relationships with others (1Peter 3:7).  At the same token, you must remember that even when it is one sided, your expression of submission can be an effective Christian witness.  Christ submitted to death so that we could be saved; we may sometimes have to submit to unpleasant circumstances so that others will see Christ in us (1Peter 3:5).   He tells us in 1Peter verse 1 that ‘even if your spouse refuses to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words.  They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives.’

You cannot control his behavior, but you CAN control yours and how you respond to his negative behavior.  You can practice being the best YOU that God has called you to be.  You can practice being a submissive wife, even if he is acting the fool (that’s the example of sacrificial love of Christ).  Is it easy? Not at all and no one promised marriage would be.  It takes work & dedication, and it takes patience and endurance in some hard times.  But if you keep your focus on Christ, stay in prayer, and speak life over your marriage…..God will turn your situation around.  Christian counsel is very good, but I cannot stress enough that you must take your focus of your husband’s behavior and place it on you (allowing God to show you where YOU can change) and allow God to do the changing of your husband, because you can’t change him anyway.

As for your son, he is only 16 and you have every right to demand respect & obedience from him.  You must put your foot down for the rules of your home and he is to abide by them or suffer the consequences (whatever you deem as punishment).  If you do not use drugs and you do not authorize your son to do it, then regardless of what his father is doing YOU are his mother and he must follow your rules.  If necessary you may have to put him in a drug program.  But I would put a stop to that immediately.

Jewell R Powell

“The Marriage Coach”

http://www.marriage101.us