As children, we are read fairy tales about the prince and the princess living happily ever after. Little girls may grow up thinking somewhere out there is a knight in shining armor that will come to her rescue, sweep her off her feet, and take her to a place where they will live happily ever after. According to Audrey Chapman (www.audreychapman.com) at a recent forum, in the black community, “The knight rode in and fell off his horse and has been in a coma for years.” Forty-five percent of black women in America have never been married, according to the U.S. Census Bureau's American Community Survey (2006). Audrey’s statement pokes fun at relationships in the African-American community; however, she would agree that the marriage statistics and its impact are less than humorous.

This week in DC, the Congressional Black Caucus (CBC) convened their 39th annual legislative conference at the Walter E. Washington Convention Center. This year’s theme was “Reinvest, Rebuild, Renew.” On Thursday, September 24, Congresswoman Eleanor Homes Norton (D-DC) hosted a session entitled, “Single Women, Unmarried Men: What Has Happened to Marriage in the Black Community?” Ms. Chapman, family therapist and radio host, shared a panel with Dr. Shane Perrault (www.africanamericanmarriagecounseling.com), a psychologist and marriage counselor. The room was filled beyond capacity with at least 50 people outside anxiously waiting entry to engage in this discussion. With an example of a black couple with a solid, healthy marriage in the White House and the current marriage statistics, this dialogue was very timely.

Congresswoman Norton opened by emphasizing the state of the black family and conditions that impact relationships. Issues were raised about education, career, attitude, and financial stability, which were referred to as “selectors” and can influence our decisions to marry or someone’s decision to marry us. Ms. Chapman started her discussion like she does her WHUR Saturday radio broadcast by saying, “How is your relationship with yourself?” She discussed the necessity of loving yourself and healing issues from your past – past romantic relationships and family and childhood issues. She encouraged black women to have a "rainbow coalition" which means to be open to dating and consider marrying men of other races, referencing that black women are the only women that are committed to a race of men that are not committed to them. Dr. Perrault told the audience that staying married was more difficult than getting married, citing the unwillingness of many couples to work together as a prevalent issue in his practice. Both presenters emphasized the importance of having continuous dialogue about needs and expectations. The session, like this article, was more about the elements of a good relationship -communication, self awareness, and respect - than just marriage.

So where do we go from here? There is no perfect answer, but we can start by reinvesting, renewing, and rebuilding.

Reinvest by providing stability for the family and spending more time with your children and the children in your life. Children should see more models of love and healthy relationships. I was raised in a two parent household. My parents have been married for 50 years. I saw a great example of love and commitment. I have learned from the stories of how they met thorough the challenges they’ve experienced through the years.

Renew yourself! The one constant that has been a part of every relationship you have had is that you were in it. That does not mean you are to blame for bad relationships or that something is wrong with you; however, a personal inventory can help address issues that may hinder your personal growth, ability to maintain a relationship or contribute to your relationship choices.

Rebuild the fractured relationships.  Those of us who are not married, or want to stay married should make time for ongoing conversations that can change the way we view marriage and help move us toward a healthy relationship with ourselves, people we meet, and those we love.  Men and women will never understand each other, but we can start talking.

The forum gave me a lot to think about and I will hold Congresswoman Norton to her promise to help keep the dialogue going.

Donna Davidson, DC New Relationships Examiner, currently works with several sectors of the community to develop systems that help enhance the quality of life for DC residents.  You may email her at: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .

Reprinted from www.examiner.com.