Sex and Intimacy in Marriage: What’s the Difference?

While it may seem like a married couple should know a thing or two about sex, understanding intimacy as it pertains to the marriage relationship is an entirely different ballgame. The two terms “sex” and “intimacy” are often used interchangeably, but they are in fact two very different, yet important, aspects of a marriage. Can you have one without the other? Yes. But in order to have the healthiest and most fulfilling relationship possible, it is important to make sure both sex and intimacy are occurring in the relationship.

Well-known Christian Author C.S. Lewis once explained the reason we seek fulfillment outside of our marital relationships is because we haven’t given God the opportunity to reveal to us the depths of joy and happiness He can provide through our existing relationship. God’s plan for marriage includes intimacy on a physical (sex), emotional and spiritual level.

We can see this design for intimacy illustrated best in Genesis 2:24 when God describes his blueprint for marriage: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” One flesh experiences everything as one. This means, in God’s plan for marriage the husband and wife are unified in every possible way.

If we work toward God’s goal for marriage instead of resisting it, we will experience true intimacy and much more fulfillment in all areas of our relationship. Intimacy is defined by being as close as possible to another person. Part of this closeness involves the physical contact involved in sexual encounters, but it is also much more.

Intimacy includes affectionate non-sexual touch as well as an open and in-depth communication style. Perhaps the ultimate form of true intimacy comes when a couple is building a relationship together with God. This is the kind of intimacy that is nurtured in the soul and creates a solid foundation for the relationship.

The Secret to a Great Sex Life: True Intimacy

The check-out aisles at the supermarket typically feature magazines with headlines claiming to hold the secrets to great sex or ways to fire up your sex life. Unfortunately, these articles are usually based on shallow ideas and provide one-dimensional remedies for a multi-dimensional issue. It’s not about technique or experience, but it is about the level of intimacy in the marriage.

Genuine intimacy in a marriage relationship builds trust and allows both spouses to feel secure in the relationship. The feeling of security and trust leads to a more well-rounded and satisfying sex life as well. When walls of insecurity are torn down, it is easier for spouses to be 100% present and engaged in physical intimacy.

What changes when true intimacy is part of the relationship?

• Fear of rejection goes away.
• Communication increases.
• Healthy self-esteem gets a boost.
• Desire to be close to each other becomes a constant factor.

All of these changes work together to provide a healthy and satisfying sex life and the ability to take marital love to the next level. Once you have experienced this kind of true intimacy in your marriage, you will realize that sex alone is not what God intended. He designed sex and intimacy to go hand-in-hand.

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5 Tips to Building Intimacy in Your Marriage

When you or your spouse find yourselves longing for more intimacy in your relationship, it is time to take immediate action. Far too many couples settle for the status quo in their relationships, and then over time realize they are on completely different pages and feel more like friends than spouses. God designed marriage to be a union of two people (Genesis 2:24), so intimacy is essential to a healthy marriage that can withstand the test of time as well as the pressures of our society.

Without a doubt, our marriages must be built upon the idea that God is our first priority. Matthew 22:37 commands that we should love the Lord with all of our heart, soul and mind. When we make this the focus of our lives, it is natural that we begin to understand true intimacy with God and consequently our spouse.

Below are 5 tips to help you build and maintain intimacy in your marriage, whether you have been married 2 months or 20 years:

1. Get your priorities straight. Of course, relationship with God is first, but the marriage union must come next. After all, this is the person with whom you are to be “one flesh,” so what other relationship or activity could possible come before it?
2. Earn and build trust. If there is lack of security in the marriage, there is a lack of intimacy. If either you or your spouse experiences problems trusting the other, you need to communicate openly about the issue. Discuss it and pray about it., asking God to heal any remaining hurts or wounds. Going through this process helps you to be fully present in the relationship and better able to trust and increase intimacy.
3. Enjoy non-sexual physical affection. Holding, touching and being close to each other are extremely important in a healthy relationship. Humans have innate needs for physical touch and it is only appropriate to receive that from one’s spouse. Whether it is holding hands, running your hands through your spouse’s hair or cuddling up on the couch to watch a movie, make sure to give your spouse plenty of non-sexual touch.
4. Make sexual intimacy happen. Even if you have to put it on your calendar, it is important to ensure you and your spouse meet each other’s physical needs. It can’t be something that happens when it is convenient. Rather, it needs to be on the list of priorities. When you make time to enjoy being together without distraction, you will be able to experience more intimacy on all levels of your relationship.
5. Think “triangle.” Picture a triangle at which God is at the top point. You are on one end and your spouse is on the other. As you and your spouse each focus on your personal relationships with God, you are naturally moving closer together, until you reach the ultimate point—the place at which you both are experiencing intimacy with God and each other. This is a perfect picture of the purpose of marriage.

On your journey to achieving intimacy in your marriage, there are many excellent resources you can use to encourage you and give you ideas. Consider taking a look at some of the following:

• The Language of Sex by Ted Cunningham
• Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in by Kevin Leman
• Intended for Pleasure by Ed and Gaye Wheat
• http://www.marriageintimacy.com –a website devoted to creating intimacy in marriage with articles and resources on the topic.

© 2010 by Jewell R. Powell, The Marriage Coach and author of Marriage 101: Building a Life Together by Faith.  Visit www.marriage101.us