Experience Healing for Your Broken Marriage

• Have you and your spouse started using the D word often?
• Are you envisioning life as a single person?
• Do you spend more time fighting with your spouse than not?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, it is probably safe to assume that your marriage is under fire. In this day and age, once the damage has been done, it is typical to simply throw in the towel and call the divorce attorney. Are you there yet? What if there was a way to bring healing to your relationship no matter how much damage has occurred?

""I hate divorce," says the Lord God of Israel." (Malachi 2:16). This verse illustrates quite bluntly God's view of breaking the marriage covenant. Because God feels so strongly about divorce, it is only right that He wants to be a part of the marriage, so he can help us to maintain our commitment. Matthew 19:6 states: "Therefore what God has joined together let man not separate." God is in marriage as it is a union created by Him for His purposes and glory. The lack of understanding of this fact is the missing link to many damaged marriages.

If God is not part of a marriage, it is like a table missing a leg—not gonna keep standing for long! But with God in the picture (just like the table with a repaired leg), things become much more stable and purposeful. For this reason, bringing God back into the marriage and giving Him his rightly seat at the head of your relationship is the most important first step you can take toward restoration.

Nothing is impossible

When the hurt is so significant and the damage is so great, healing may seem like an impossible task. Luke 1:37 tells us "Fear not, nothing is impossible with God." God is the creator of the universe and the author of life, and He absolutely has the ability to heal your marriage if you only ask Him. Of course, this does not mean He will snap his fingers and make the pain go away, but it means if you are willing to put in the work of forgiving, healing, and loving unconditionally, He will honor your efforts.

A heart change is necessary in order for reconciliation to occur. The blaming must end and be replaced with peace and forgiveness. God is up for the challenge: "I will give them one heart, and I will put a new spirit within them, and take the stony heart out of their flesh, and give them a heart of flesh."(Ezekiel 11:19). Here, we can see that even the parts of reconciliation that seem really, really difficult can be accomplished by God. The hardness you and your spouse feel in your hearts can be completely replaced—a spiritual heart transplant.

Sometimes there is so much hurt and damage, that we don't even have an interest in changing hearts or behaviors. It is during these times that our prayer must be "God, give me the desire to change." As long as you are seeking after God and including Him in your life, you can count on Him to do a work in your heart (John 15:7).

Taking steps forward

Once you have included God in your marriage and allowed Him access to your heart, it is time to move forward in reconciliation. By displaying unconditional love to your spouse (the kind you receive from God), you will work to win back your spouse's heart. Will your spouse always respond the way you want? Probably not. But unconditional, selfless love means that you will act right, even when your spouse is acting wrong.

"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves." (Romans 12:9-10). It is a high calling, but, as Christians, it is the only way to live. Displaying love to your spouse through selfless acts and forgiveness will bring you closer to achieving a unified marriage the way God intended. What's more, as you honor your spouse in this way, you are bringing honor to your Heavenly Father.

© Jewell R. Powell, The Marriage Coach and author of Marriage 101: Building a Life Together by Faith. Visit us at www.marriage101.us.

How Can Each Spouse Improve a Marriage?

There are steps that a man or a woman can take to improve the current state of their marriage. Regardless of our gender, there are some basic principles that enhance our marital relationship. There are also specific things we can do as women or as men to increase communication and benefit our relationships.

In general, and Biblically, valuing each other as a child of God and putting the other's best interest above our own are the keys to healthy relationships. Carving out and protecting a central place for Jesus in our days' events is also something people of any gender can do to improve the strength and intimacy in their marriage. Compromising and surrender will never fall out of fashion when building a strong marriage, but there are unique steps a man can take to be a better husband and a woman can take to be a better wife. If we assert the differences in the genders, we need to acknowledge our unique roles in our marriages and the unique needs of our partners. As we seek to bridge the gender-gap, understanding the needs of our spouse and how we can uniquely meet those needs will go a long way toward a thriving marriage.

Husbands are called to love their wives like they love their own body. "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." (Ephesians 5:33) We walk through life in our "skin suit." When we are hungry, we eat. When we are tired, we sleep. If a man is to love his wife like his own body, he is called to anticipate her needs then meet them to the best of his ability. He is not to judge her hunger or tiredness, but simply to bring her food or lead her to rest. In this model, the husband is focusing on the needs of his wife, not his own needs. This is easier said than done. We are often inclined to begin focusing on our own unmet needs.

In the Biblical example, Christ's desire to be loved by His church was often unmet by those who hated Him and even killed Him. However, He always loved us, His church. On the cross, He didn't say, "What about me? When do I get MY needs met?" No doubt, Christ's bride was a spoiled, unfaithful brat, but He loved her to the end.

Women are called to respect their husbands. This is vital. A man's sense of honor and purpose defines who he is and how he interacts with the world around him. A wife is to always speak highly of her husband's ideas, efforts and dreams. When we are angry, it is much easier to tear down a husband's self esteem than to find something redeeming in the work of his hands. In a time of conflict, even teasing in a joking manner may not be conducive of growth. A wife should seek each day to uplift her husband in some way. Thanking him for working all day (even when she worked also) or for taking his muddy shoes off before walking on the carpet can be opportunities for a wife to show gratitude and respect. Perhaps nonverbal efforts such as cooking or touching can signal respect to a husband. He is more likely to love her like his own body if she respects him.

The goal in a marriage is to fulfill our commitment to God, regardless of what our spouse does. Husbands promise God to love their wives. Wives promise God to respect their husbands. We, as married Christians, seek to keep our promise to God, even when our spouses don't "live up to their end of the bargain."  Scripture and experience show us that eventually we will fail and need that same grace in return.

© Jewell R. Powell, The Marriage Coach and author of Marriage 101: Building a Life Together by Faith. Visit us at www.marriage101.us.