Sex and Intimacy

Sunday, 01 March 2009 00:00 |

What is real marital intimacy?

Ask this question to married couples and you will get a variety of answers. Responses like "feeling close" to "having a great sex life"are common, but are not entirely accurate. It makes sense that husband and wife long for true intimacy in a marriage, but if we can't even define it accurately, it is going to be difficult to achieve!

Thankfully, we can look to God for the definition of marital intimacy. As God is the creator and designer of the marriage union, we are going to have the best chance for success if we follow His blueprint and call on Him to guide us. For example, if you are building a home, you don't ask an interior designer for advice on the foundation. No, you go to the writer of the plans-the architect-who has the plan in his hand and can tell you everything you need to know about building your home.

So what does God have to say about intimacy in marriage? He tells us exactly what we need to do to follow the marital blueprint He created: "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24).

Whether you have been married 2 months or 20 years, it is possible to still be attached in an unhealthy way to one's family of origin. In order to achieve the unity God had in mind for your marriage, you and your spouse must "cut the apron strings," and have a life together. This doesn't mean that you have to completely cut-off all family members. Rather, it means your relationship with your spouse comes before any other familial relationship. The sooner you establish this with each other and with your other family members, the easier it will be to achieve unity and oneness in your marriage.

Furthermore, God instructs that two will become "one flesh." The idea that two people could become one is nothing short of miraculous. In fact, it is downright impossible without God in the marriage. In this way, it is easy to see how without God as the foundation, a marriage will be unable to achieve its full potential for intimacy and unity. Once you have committed your marriage to God and to each other, there is no separation-you are ONE. This may seem like a very challenging-or even impossible task-at times, but what God has ordained He will absolutely help you to follow.

Committing to this type of inseparable relationship creates safety in the marriage. There is no use of the big "D" word, because neither partner considers it an option. Replacing the "D" word is the "C" word: commitment. When both partners feel safe and secure in the relationship, true intimacy organically grows. Along with this genuine intimacy come a better, more fulfilling sex life, improved communication and the kind of love that lasts a lifetime.

Regardless of the number of years you have been married, it isn't too late to build, or rebuild, your marriage on Christ. If you are on the search for true intimacy and a healthy sex life, these things can only be found in the purest, most complete form through a relationship based on God's blueprint for marriage.

Unleashing the Power of Intimacy in Your Marriage

Looking for emotional closeness with your spouse? Better sex? Improved communication? Intimacy the way God intended it to be is the path to each of these goals. There may be no other aspect of one's marriage that has the potential to refresh, enrich and heal like true intimacy between husband and wife.

But how can you achieve this level of oneness in your marriage when life seems to get in the way? Jobs, children, friendships, hobbies, and even church ministry involvement can hinder one's ability to truly connect with a spouse. Life is hectic. Life is full. And too often our marriage relationship is the one part that gets short-changed.

Step number one for achieving intimacy in marriage is to make sure your priorities are lined up correctly. It is stated clearly in the Bible that we should put God first. We are to love Him with all of our heart, soul and mind (Matthew 22:37), so it is safe to say that God should take the top of the list of priorities. However, our spouse, being the one earthly person with whom we are united and "one flesh," should take the second spot on the list. If anything comes before either of these two list toppers, there is going to be a problem and relationship with God and your spouse will suffer.

What is involved in intimacy? Genuine intimacy in marriage is multi-faceted. It involves the emotional, physical, mental and spiritual aspects of our being. The idea that sex equals intimacy misses the mark. Although the physical relationship between husband and wife is incredibly important to the health of the marriage it is not the one and only factor that determines intimacy.

Of course, it is true that physical closeness should involve sexual intimacy as designed by God's one-flesh union; however, it may also involve other non-sexual forms of physical touch, working on a project together, or praying together. Each of these acts can be a form of expressing intimate love to each other. When you view the times with your spouse as opportunities to express love and share intimacy, each moment becomes more special. Ready to get down to business and make things happen in your relationship? Here are some practical ways you can unleash the power of intimacy in your marriage:

Establish a foundation of trust. Where there is lack of safety and security, there is a lack of intimacy. If either you or your spouse (or both) have problems trusting the other, you need to address this issue. Talk it out. More importantly, pray it out. Allow God to heal previous wounds, so that you can each be fully present in the relationship and better able to trust and provide security for your spouse.
Focus on building up your spouse. While it can be tempting to zero in on the negative aspects in your spouse's behavior and personality, the Bible very clearly instructs us to "encourage one another and build each other up" (1 Thess. 5:11). Overlook mistakes and replace critical comments with complements and words of affirmation. You may be surprised by how these simple words can transform your marriage and increase intimacy.
Relate to your spouse like a lover. We wear so many hats from day to day it can be challenging to switch gears and put on the "lover-hat," especially if you are immediately going from parent or employee to an intimate spouse role. But it is possible and it is worth the effort to make the transition and be completely present for sexual intimacy with your spouse. Many couples have found scheduling a special night, in order to prepare mentally and physically for the time together, is a good strategy. Whatever you do make time to enjoy being together without distraction.
Enjoy non-sexual physical affection. Holding, touching and being close to each other are extremely important in a healthy relationship. Humans have innate needs for physical touch and it is only appropriate to receive that from one's spouse. Whether it is holding hands, running your hands through your spouse's hair or cuddling up on the couch to watch a movie, make sure to give your spouse plenty of non-sexual touch.

On your journey to achieving intimacy in your marriage, there are many excellent resources you can use to encourage you and give you ideas. Consider taking a look at some of the following:

Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in by Kevin Leman
Intended for Pleasure by Ed and Gaye Wheat
Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Emerson
http://www.marriageintimacy.com>Eggerichs
http://www.marriageintimacy.com a website devoted to creating intimacy in marriage with articles and resources on the topic.

by Jewell R. Powell, The Marriage Coach and author of Marriage 101: Building a Life Together by Faith. Visit us at www.marriage101.us