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Dear Reader,

First I want to apologize for being so late. This month's topic hopefully is not for everyone but I was compelled to write it. Domestic Violence is a secret shame that women (and some men) go through. Most feel they can't talk to anyone because of fear, shame or judgment. I beg of anyone who is going through abuse to find resources that can help. I am praying for you and if you need someone to talk to, call or email me.
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The Cycle of Abuse

You may ask yourself, 'Why do people stay in abusive relationships?' We often think of abuse as being a constant in the lives of abusers and their victims. Generally this is not the case. A cycle of violence or cycle of abuse tends to have periods of extreme aggression, but it is often followed by contrition and calm before it builds up to another time of abuse.

On television or in the news we only hear about the abuse. A newspaper may state that a person murdered by their spouse had been subjected to abuse for years. What they don't report are the 'in between' times when the abuser apologized, helped around the house, regained a sense of humor, and showed love. It is very easy for a victim to hope that this positive period will never end.

Abuse is very often followed by an apology. While some abusers will blame their actions on circumstances or on the victim, they will present remorse and affection. They may praise the victim for being loyal and being a 'good wife' or 'good husband'. They may buy them gifts or do items on the 'honey do list'. This period is often followed by a time of relative peace and harmony. Don't get me wrong, there is still likely to be tension and a feeling of 'walking on eggshells'. But this is a time when abuse subsides.

Then the tension starts to mount again. Communication drops off. Fear may increase. The abusers may begin to lose their temper at times. They will often be critical, aggressive, and agitated. This is a phase when the victim may try to stop the trouble because they see it coming. They may try to keep things calm and avoid anything that would irritate the abuser. Maybe the victim will hide bills, clean more carefully, or cook favorite foods. The victim may try to get the children to be quiet so that they don't make the abuser angry. If this pattern seems familiar to you, talk to someone.

The abuse varies depending on the individual and the family. It could be physical, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and/or verbal abuse. The abuser becomes controlling and volatile. Just because you do not feel your spouse's anger every day of the year, do not assume that you are not suffering from abuse. Don't be afraid to talk to your pastor or a therapist. Don't think they are going to be shocked, surprised, or appalled. Unfortunately, they've probably heard it many times before. Get some help and live the life God has intended for you. You can take a first step by calling a hotline or visiting websites to get information.

Remember the peace that God wants for all of his children. 'Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you; not as the world gives, give I to you. Don't let your heart be troubled, neither let it be fearful.' John 14:27

� 2008 by Jewell R. Powell is a marriage coach, entrepreneur, inspirational teacher, and author with a heart and passion for helping couples have great marriages and helping women live purposeful lives. For more information on marriage enrichment and/or premarital classes, call 301-743-5654 or email Jewell at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Domestic Abuse

Many people assume that domestic abuse is a problem only faced by women as victims of men. They may also think of it as a problem of a certain socioeconomic class. You may believe that a working class or impoverished man is the person to watch for concerning abuse. You may think that professionals, people with money, and women are not like to abuse their spouses. If so, you may be surprised to hear that domestic violence occurs across all ages, all levels of education, varying economic status, and gender.

Not only are the victims diverse, but the forms of abuse covers a wide range. We often think of physical abuse, but there are many ways abuse can take form. For example, emotional abuse can be very damaging. While it may not leave bruises, it can undermine a person's sense of self worth and well being.

Sexual abuse is prevalent among intimate partners. Rape is not confined to strangers. A person who forces sexual activity is sexually abusing their spouse. Sexual abuse is not about sexual desire, but rather control. It is often accompanied by threatening behavior. It does not necessary have to involve sexual intercourse, but can be any type of sexual activity.

Although women are six times more likely to be abused than men, both genders can suffer from abuse. Unfortunately, many cases go unreported for years. Many times people choose not to report their partner because of fear, embarrassment, hope that it will never happen again, economic worries, or other reasons. Violence against women accounts for approximately 20% of all violent crimes against women in the United States. Men are also victims of domestic violence. Over 7% of men report being victims of assault by an intimate partner. Women should seek help and take care of themselves if they are victims of violence. But let's not forget that men deserve protection in the event of victimization as well. In either case, there are confidential resources to turn to for support and guidance.

Domestic violence is found in many cultures all over the world. Some domestic violence is based on an attack from one partner while other cases involve both partners assaulting each other. Abusers come from many backgrounds. However, some characteristics are often found in common. For example, an abuser is likely to have trouble communicating, to have control issues, to blame other people and things for their actions, and to have 'temper problems'. They may pose as powerful people when, in all reality, they have very low self esteem.

There are a few keys to remember when confronting abuse or a victim of abuse:

� Victims may have been 'put down' for so long that they may have low self-esteem and may have trouble seeking help for themselves

� Victims need to know that they do not deserve abuse of any kind

� God did not intend for us to suffer abuse (Malachi 2:16)

If you are being abused, put together a plan to stay safe. This can be done by checking with your local churches for outreach programs, knowing how to contact and get to local shelters, and knowing hotline numbers and resources. Try to keep some money and necessary items, such as prescription medication, ready so that you don't have to go back for things you must have in the event that you need to leave quickly.

If you are planning to leave an abusive relationship, consider talking to your police department to tell them your situation. They may provide you with protection and possibly a police escort. You don't need an attorney to get a protective order if necessary. You can call the court, a local attorney, or a local legal organization for information. Your state Bar Association will have information for you on protection orders.

Prayer is essential and God protects us. Let's follow our prayers with action and follow a path to peace and safety.

� 2008 by Jewell R. Powell, www.marriage101.us ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I appeal to you, brothers and sisters, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of who are silent and feel like they cannot talk to anyone, talk with God (then contact one of the resources I provided or me). My prayer for you: Father, in the name of Jesus. I come to you boldly and in confidence that you will hear their prayers and that you will answer them and protect them. Father, I ask that you give them wisdom and put people in their lives whom they can talk to without feeling like their being judged or shameful. I pray that you will give them a way of escape. Help them to see your perfect will for their life and that they are more than conquerors in Christ Jesus. In Jesus name I pray. AMEN.
In His Service

Jewell R. Powell
Author & Marriage Coach
www.marriage101.us]
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Featured Article

As a person who has suffered physical violence from a previous relationship and even some abuse from my current relationship, let it be known that you can get through it with God. Staying with someone who has a record of abuse (cycle) is not honoring your vows to God. It is unhealthy and dangerous for some. I also must say that you must hear from God concerning your situation. God told me not to leave because my husband is not an abuser. He just didn't know how to handle stress or his temper. We have worked this issue and praise God for the results!

The most common form of abuse I hear a lot about is verbal abuse. Just remember, we (women and men) must be careful how we talk to one another because words are like knives, they cut deep. If what you are about to say will not edify, exhort or comfort your love one, don't say it.
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Quick Links

National Domestic Violence http://www.ndvh.org/
1-800-799-SAFE>Hotline
http://www.ndvh.org/
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

Domestic Violence resources and hotlines for women including national and state:
http://feminist.org/911/crisis.html

General resources from Medline Plus regarding http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/domesticviolence.html

Abused>abuse:
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/domesticviolence.html

Abused Adult Resource Center - includes a self assessment
Visit>http://www.abusedadultresourcecenter.com/donations.htm

Visit me at www.myspace.com/jewellpowell for my marriage blog

Successful treatment of domestic violence must restore the sense of father as protector for the well being of women, children, and society-at-large. Children do not need fathers to fight and die for them; they need fathers to live for them, to value them, and to value what they most value - their mothers. A father who truly protects his children cannot possibly hurt their mother. Steven Stosny, compassionpower.com

by Jewell R. Powell, The Marriage Coach and author of Marriage 101: Building a Life Together by Faith. Visit us at www.marriage101.us