This month I will discuss a topic that seems to be 'taboo' for Christian couples - Sex and Intimacy. I hope you enjoy!

Establishing True Intimacy

Our culture tends to view sex as merely a physical activity. For some of us, before we were married it was intimate, new and exciting - we wanted it all the time. But after we got married, it became boring and a chore. Establishing true intimacy takes time and the results are greater than merely a physical relationship. Throughout the bible it states that a man either "lay with" her or "knew" her. To lay with her was merely a physical encounter which after a while can become boring and routine. But to "know" someone is to take the time to see what pleases him/her. It is to know your spouse in every way: physically, emotionally, mentally, etc. That is why couples who are dating or engaged should abstain from sex until marriage so they can really get to know one another. This is God's plan and sets you on the road to a healthy relationship and obedience to God. However for most of us, we now have to deal with the issues of keeping intimacy and sex exciting. Regardless of where you and your spouse are sexually, there are ways to heal and re-establish intimacy in your marriage.

Whether you are just starting your marriage or hoping to reconnect, it can be difficult to take down the defenses long enough to be truly intimate with your spouse. To truly enjoy sex and intimacy, you will need to let your guard down and show yourself to your spouse in a trusting, loving way. This can be tougher than it sounds as it puts you in a vulnerable position. In a secure and loving relationship, vulnerability should not be an issue, but sometimes we hang on to outdated defense mechanisms out of habit. Even when our spouses have betrayed our trust or hurt us in some way, we must trade in our feelings of insecurity, vulnerability, and suspicion with feelings of oneness, closeness, and trust - if we want to rebuild the intimacy.

As you open up to each other, surround each other with caring concern, show unconditional love and support. Never - ever laugh at a spouse for a sexual overture. This is not only degrading at the moment but will set the stage for insecurity in the future.
If you don't really like the lingerie she walks into the room wearing, do not comment on it in a mocking way. Try to appreciate the attempt she is making and notice the love and attention she is bringing to the relationship. Likewise, if he does not live up to your expectations every single time you make love, be kind about it. He is, after all, just a man and not a machine. Enjoy the closeness and don't take for granted the love he is showing you.

All attitudes of trust, commitment, and closeness will translate to the bedroom. For women, when we are tired, we just don't feel sexy and we do not want to make love. Our attitude is 'don't touch me, I am not in the mood'. However, if we just ask the Lord for strength and mentally prepare ourselves, we will enjoy our time with our spouses. Also, share your needs with your spouse and listen with an open mind to their needs and desires. Rather than falling into a safe routine, communicate positively about what you want sexually while being aware of the other's needs.
Your emotional connection will help you to be free to make a more meaningful physical connection. Rather than going through the motions of a performed routine, you can really connect in a spiritual and physical way.

Trust and openness can be particularly difficult if you have suffered from infidelity in a relationship in the past. Many people seeking marriage advice online are having problems of infidelity in their relationship with their current partner. Good advice for marriage is all about establishing trust and commitment within the relationship. Start where you are now. If you are looking for pre-marriage advice, work on starting with trust and intimacy from day one. If you are recovering from marital problems, sit down together today and begin the healing process with clear communication, love, and forgiveness.

� 2008 by Jewell R. Powell, www.marriage101.us>www.marriage101.us

Setting the Mood

We discussed the importance of establishing true intimacy in our marriages. Now we will discuss some practical ways that couples can set the mood and keep their sexual relations fresh and new.

� Setting the Stage

Some couples may not care about the state of a room when getting together, but if even one partner is influenced by the condition of the room, it will affect their time together. For example, if a man doesn't care if a room is messy, he may not realize how it is affecting his sex life. If every time her eyes fall on a pair of dirty socks or a pile of clutter on the dresser she feels a jolt of 'I should clean that up', it will take away from her focus on her spouse. If a clean, pretty room makes a difference, take the time to keep it looking nice. Then the mood can be enhanced with scented candles, flowers, lighting, or fresh bedding. At all times, try to keep your bedroom a safe haven where it can be a place for your and your spouse to enjoy whether you're intimate or not.

� Music

Whether you prefer the Isley Brothers, Smooth Jazz, or Mozart; music can immediately create a mood. We now have radio stations on the television set - use it!

� Look and Smell Nice

Most people will not notice details and I am not suggesting that you go to bed in full make up or that your sex life will degrade if you gain or lose ten pounds.
However, take a few minutes to make sure that your hair is comb and your breath is fresh.

� Add Something New

It's easy to fall into a rut. Many times sex becomes a routine and that can get boring. Just a few changes can mix it up and keep things interesting. Maybe a piece of lingerie that is different than usual would be enough to stir things up. You could reenact a scene from a movie or act like you are just meeting them for the first time. A lap dance won't hurt either J

� Go Away

Maybe you just need to get out of your bedroom. A night in a hotel may be just the ticket for keeping things new. I know you all remember those places you use to sneak to get some, it's okay to do it there again (no matter what your age). Everyone needs some variety; make sure that you get it together!

� Love Deposits

Instead of being approached in a grabby way, many men and women appreciate being 'courted'. Just because you are married, don't assume it is a 'sure thing'. Continue to court one another and offer tokens of love and appreciation. You don't have to spend a lot of money, but little signs of gratitude and courtship can go a long way in promoting a great relationship. [NOTE: Go to www.marriage101.us>www.marriage101.us] and find ways to deposit love. Look under articles in February 2008.]

� 2008 by Jewell R. Powell, www.marriage101.us>www.marriage101.us

In my work of Christian marriage coaching, I have found that many Christian couples feel that their sex life is a low priority, but advice for a happy marriage includes how we can have a satisfying sexual relationship. Marriage problems can stem from an unhealthy or boring sex life together and can even result in infidelity or divorce.
Sex is not a chore. Making love to one another is suppose to be fulfilling to both partners and should be a priority in every marriage.

by Jewell R. Powell, The Marriage Coach and author of Marriage 101: Building a Life Together by Faith. Visit us at www.marriage101.us