Communication among couples can be vastly complicated by the mind games we learn to play through the years. However, if we are going to develop healthy communication with our spouses, we need to shed those bad habits and learn how to convey our true meaning in a concise way. It doesn't make sense to play games when we can truly connect with each other and develop deeper relationships that can stand the test of time.

Embracing Confrontation

You may think of a happy couple as two people who never argue and who go through life without the need to confront each other. However, avoiding confrontation can be the 'kiss of death' for a marriage.

Everyone knows a couple who lived together for years without fighting until they split up in an ugly divorce. While 'fighting', or discussing problems, may be upsetting and difficult to deal with, every couple needs to learn how to confront problems with each other and work through them so that unspoken concerns don't grow. When people 'bottle up' their feelings, resentment will find a comfortable place to take root.

I am not suggesting that you scream and yell at each other and I'm definitely not condoning violent outbursts. What I am talking about is the need to talk to your spouse about issues that are on your mind. For example may be socks on the floor of the bedroom. Let's say your spouse always takes off his/her socks and leaves them in the middle of your nicely cleaned and vacuumed floor. Every day you pick up the socks and every day you get a little more annoyed. Of course, this is a trivial example, but you see my point. Rather than dealing with this every day, talk to your spouse and tell them just how much it bothers you to see those smelly socks on the floor every day.

Now let's look at a bigger problem. Perhaps one partner in a marriage is not working and is not actively seeking a job. The other person may be supportive, but over time the stress and pressure of being the sole bread winner may start to wear them down. Single income families work for some families, especially when there are children involved. But let's say that this family is suffering from the lack of income. Handling finances is one of the biggest challenges faced in marriage. The working spouse could bottle up resentment and continue to get up every morning and carry the burden. However, it is not fair for that spouse to continue nurturing anger without communicating the problem. When they finally blow up and perhaps wish to end the marriage, it would blind side their spouse.

When resentment and anger is harbored for a long time, the healing process can be harder. Of course, God can lead us in forgiveness and the healing of our relationships. But the longer a marriage falls into negative patterns, the more work it will take to change those patterns.

Unfortunately, many of us have grown up without a good example of how to positively confront loved ones. Many of us grew up in homes where problems were dealt with in anger and with yelling and negative words. Others grew up in homes where confrontation was avoided at all cost. This is not the way to get positive results. If you want to talk about the socks, you don't need to yell from the bedroom, 'You slob! Get in here and clean up after yourself! What do you think I am, your maid?' Try waiting for an opportune moment and say something like this: 'I feel frustrated when I walk into the bedroom every day and see your dirty socks on the floor. I know it's not a big deal to you, but it would mean a lot to me if you would put them in the hamper.' This way you let your spouse know what you need without laying guilt and blame on them.

To have a solid marriage, it is not only important to learn how to communicate your love, but it is also important to learn how to communicate your problems.

� by Jewell R. Powell is a marriage coach, entrepreneur, inspirational teacher, and author with a heart and passion for helping couples have great marriages and helping women live purposeful lives. For more information on marriage enrichment and/or premarital classes, call 301-743-5654 or email Jewell at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or www.marriage101.us>www.marriage101.us

How to Communicate Effectively

Take the time to develop effective communication. The worst thing you can do is to act as though there is not a problem. Couples go months and years living with unforgiveness, anger, and resentment because of unresolved issues. So, how do we approach problem solving as married couples who want to work at the challenges/issues we are facing?

1st - Pray. You must pray for your situation and for God to give you wisdom (James 5:16)

2nd - Rely on the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit will give you the right words to say and the self-control you need so that the discussion doesn't get out of control. (Matthew 10:19)

3rd - Understand hard topics MUST be discussed. Find the appropriate time and place. You may want to go to a restaurant where you both are relaxed, spending time together and where you can't yell at one another. (Proverbs 31:26)

4th - Listen carefully. The bible says, for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks; therefore, keep them talking until you fully understand their issue. (James 1:19)

5th - Change. Change MUST occur to resolve the problem. You cannot do the same thing and expect different results. Discuss who will be responsible for what and make sure it's a win-win for both parties. (Matthew 18:19)

Again, we cannot be afraid to discuss anything with our spouses. However, if one refuses to talk, then the other spouse should pray and do their part while allowing God to do the rest.

� by Jewell R. Powell, www.marriage101.us>www.marriage101.us

I personally don't like confrontation. Therefore, if something is wrong, I shut down. But what I've learned is that in order for Lewis and I to stop having the same problems, I must let him know when I am hurt, I must let him know when he has done something or said something I do not like, and I must let him know when I need something from him. We cannot be afraid to talk to our own spouses about our feelings and we can't be afraid that confronting them may lead to an argument. What I've learned is that I cannot afford not to say anything. To have a successful marriage is to discuss, maybe even argue; yet resolve the issues and challenges we are facing.

I appeal to you, brothers and sisters, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought.

In His Service


Jewell R. Powell
Author & Marriage Coach
www.marriage101.us>www.marriage101.us

by Jewell R. Powell, The Marriage Coach and author of Marriage 101: Building a Life Together by Faith. Visit us at www.marriage101.us