"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." -Mignon McLaughlin



Dear Reader

The Marriage 101 newsletter delivers practical information showing you how to have a happy, successful, and fulfilling marriage - Right Now!

We guarantee that if you are open to change your situation by applying the tips and principles in the Marriage 101 newsletter, you will have a great marriage! Every month, we will discuss challenges that couples are facing every day, from dealing with finances, to in-laws, intimacy issues, and more. A "happily ever after" exists, but it takes, faith, hope, and [unconditional] love.

"You have to keep creating a marriage. We talk about everything. We grow and change together, because nothing ever stays the same; you've got to continue evolving."
--Actress Kelly Preston, married to actor John Travolta

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen" (Ephesians 4:29)
Letting them know you love them, even when you feel like hating them.






In This Issue
Adultery-Proof Your Marriage
How Can I Save My Marriage When My Spouse Doesn't Help
15 Ways to Communicate Effectively

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Adultery-Proof Your Marriage
Any marriage faces the danger of adultery. How can you and your spouse avoid adultery without always being suspicious of each other? What can you do to keep your marriage on the right track and stay away from the pain and damage that adultery causes? What can you do for your marriage to make adultery less and less likely?

You can start with yourself. You don't have control over your partner, but you do have control over yourself and what you bring to your relationship. Be in command of your own vessel. Instead of living in fear or not trusting your partner, try focusing your energy on improving your marriage, even when things are going well. With the golden rule in mind, put real effort into being a good partner for your spouse. Keep your own personal confidence high by staying in shape, and doing what you need to do to feel good about yourself physically, mentally and emotionally-this positive energy will not be lost on your partner, it will also make you feel stronger, too.

Adultery isn't just about sex. "Do not defile the marriage bed" doesn't end at the door of a bedroom. Emotional connections outside of a marriage can be just as tempting, and just as dangerous. Marriages in which one spouse or the other doesn't get his or her needs met are leaving themselves open to adultery. The root of the problem is about the married couple-one or both of them not getting what they need from the relationship. This is not an unfixable problem. In fact, sometimes all it takes to strengthen the marriage is some research and some communication. You need to know what your partner needs from you-otherwise, how can you give it to them?



Needs can vary from person to person, but there are basic needs that are common among men and women, like the need for affection, communication, respect and admiration, commitment, physical attraction. It is also important to stay supportive of your partner's interests and hobbies. What is important to your partner? What does your partner like to do? Consider the idea that your partner would like you to show interest in these things too. If your marriage feels boring, do something about it! It may feel impossible, but it's not. Try a new activity together-take a class, start going out once a week, take a vacation. Playing together and supporting each other's interests will keep a mutual respect between you that will help you through hard times and keep your relationship lively.



Don't turn away from problems. If your marriage is going through a rough patch, talking to each other is even more important. Shutting off from your partner will only make things worse. You should always talk to each other-don't assume anything about your partner. Find out by talking and communicating what each of you needs from the other. NOTE: Below is an article on how and when you should communicate with your spouse.


copyright by Jewell R. Powell




How Can I Save My Marriage When My Spouse Doesn't Help
If you don't like what you see in the world, look at what you can change in yourself first. Those words of wisdom also apply to a marriage on the rocks.



All married couples go through hard times. Sometimes both spouses work together to make it through. Other times, only one spouse seems willing to put forth the effort. If you find yourself in the latter category, you probably feel helpless. How can you save your marriage all on your own?



The answer is that it takes two people to save a marriage, but it only takes one person to lay the groundwork. That's where you come in: you have to be the first change that happens in your marriage.

That is, whatever you need from your spouse, start giving it. Do and say the things you'd like your spouse to do and say. Basically, try a little of what Jesus said, "Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you."

How would you treat your spouse if your marriage was exactly the way you wanted it to be? Starting today, treat your spouse that way. If all was well on the home front, you'd give your wife a backrub at the end of a long day. You'd tell your husband to forget about raking the leaves, relax - watch some football.

Think about it like this - will your marriage ever improve if you both keep acting the way you do now? Probably not, right? So do the opposite!

When you know someone really well, you know the little things that can really tick them off or can really cheer them up. For instance, you can make her day by leaving her a love note on the bathroom mirror. Conversely, you can instantly irritate her by drinking milk directly out of the jug.

The point is, you have the power to make your spouse feel good and the power to make your spouse feel bad. Don't wait for something positive to magically happen. You have the ability to stir up good feelings - be proactive!

Speaking of positive things, make sure that's what you focus on! Always acknowledge when your spouse does something helpful, thoughtful, or sweet. When someone appreciates the nice things you do, it makes you want to do more nice things. Remember, flies like honey. Vinegar? Not so much.

Look at things from a different perspective. Here's an example. John (or Jane, as the case may be) didn't call to tell you he'd be late getting home from work. You're pretty annoyed, and you let him know as soon as he walks in the door. Sounds like you're totally justified, right?

Well, maybe but he also started the coffee brewing for you this morning and called you at lunch to say he loves you. Sometimes we take a person's good qualities for granted, and then blow up when they make a mistake. You can't control how and when your spouse might pick a fight, but you can choose to pick your battles and keep things in perspective. You often have to choose between being 'right' and being loving.

As powerless as you might feel, it only takes one person to start turning things around. Attitudes are contagious, both good and bad. Starting today, you can help create an environment that's conducive to restoring your marriage.


Change starts with YOU!

copyright by Jewell R. Powell

15 Ways to Communicate Effectively
1. Listen attentively while your spouse is speaking, rather than concentrating on what you are going to say in response. This way, you can hear what your spouse is really saying. You may be also able to hear what your spouse is not saying, as well as what he is.

2. Learn to speak the same things (for example, you want to live debt free or have a happy, fulfilling marriage). If you are speaking the same things, you are in agreement. The scriptures ask, "Can two walk together unless they are in agreement?" The answer is no. Therefore, agreement is very important in a marriage.

3. Make eye-to-eye contact when you are speaking. Eyes will reveal anger, pain, sickness, and so on. Eye-to-eye contact also creates a connection between you and your spouse.

4. Think before you speak, thereby giving yourself time to speak your words with love. People are easily offended. Once anger or offense enters the conversation, the person who is offended stops listening and goes on the defensive. So think carefully before you speak.

5. Pray together. Again, this brings agreement, but more importantly, brings God into the conversation.

6. Dream together and write a vision. Understanding the purpose for your marriage should drive you and your spouse to accomplish God's will for your life. Whether His reason is for you to raise your children a certain way, to start a business, to start a non-profit organization, to start a prayer meeting in your community, or to sing, every couple has a purpose.

7. Know your spouse and why she does what she does (for example, is it based on her upbringing? military background? being from a single-parent home? growing up poor?). Knowing this will help you to communicate more effectively. For example, if your spouse grew up poor, then you can understand why she responds a certain way when you spend a lot of money. Because of your spouse's past, she might be used to people telling her to not spend as much or feelings of poverty may rear their ugly head.

8. Communicate with your spouse-he is not a mind reader. You must communicate your wants and desires.

9. Know what your spouse expects from you (such as dinner every night, or a phone call to let her know you are okay). You have been with your spouse long enough to know what she expects.

10. Understand what your mate is trying to say. Men are definitely from Mars and women are different from Venus. We can speak the same things, but in different ways. Understanding your spouse's background and gender, and knowing his heart, will help you to decipher what he is really trying to say. For example, your spouse may have a hard time expressing love verbally but may be able to express it physically, giving you hugs or kisses that say, "I love you."

11. Forgive one another. Every marriage, including yours, will get to a point at which your spouse will do something to hurt you. At the end of that day, make up in your mind to forgive your spouse. If you don't, that unforgiveness will grow day by day until your heart is hardened or your ears get dull and you no longer want to hear what he has to say. Those are walls that start the separation process. Don't let that happen. Forgive and move on. God says that He gives us new mercies every day; therefore, because He has given freely, you should give freely, too.

12. Complement and say "I love you" and "I appreciate you" often. By doing this every day, this is something that can keep a marriage peaceful and strong.

13. Know the best time to talk with your mate. If your spouse is not a morning person, 7 AM is not the best time to have a serious conversation. If your spouse needs an hour after work to relax, wait to have that heart-to-heart.

14. Conduct family meetings regularly. This allows you to discuss what's going on with the child(ren), plan dates and vacations, agree about large purchases, and other important matters.

15. Control your emotions. Keep your mouth shut! DO NOT discuss issues when either of you is upset. If your spouse is trying to discuss a matter while angry, find a way to let her cool off first. For example, excuse yourself to the bathroom and go pray. If you are the one who is upset, definitely pray first and wait until you are able to speak nicely.



copyright by Jewell R. Powell

For those who just signed up at the book festival, I hope you have enjoyed the newsletter. It was a pleasure meeting everyone and I have and will continue to pray for your marriages. Remember: Happily Ever After exists when you live by FAITH.

In His Service,
Jewell Powell
Author & Marriage Coach
Marriage 101 www.marriage101.us>
www.marriage101.us

by Jewell R. Powell, The Marriage Coach and author of Marriage 101: Building a Life Together by Faith. Visit us at www.marriage101.us