I've learned -
that there are people who love you dearly,
but just don't know how to show it.

I've learned -
that just because someone
doesn't love you the way you want
them to, doesn't mean they don't love
you all they can.

I've learned -
that we don't have to change spouses if we understand that spouse can change.

I've learned -
that two people can look
at the exact same thing
and see something totally different

I've learned -
that just because two people argue,
it doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue,
it doesn't mean they do.
Unknown



And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise (Phil 4:8). Name at least 3 things about your spouse that you love. Then hold on to that when you want to give up.

Christmas With the In-Laws

With Christmas approaching very quickly, the blessings and problems of dealing with in laws are as varied as the personalities of the individuals you are dealing with. If you have sweet and supportive in laws, you may not need to keep reading. Many of us struggle with our relationships with our spouse's family and we need to arm ourselves for success with a quiet spirit and prayer.



When we become a part of our spouse's family we may not be aware of the control issues or poor habits of communication that are ingrained in the behavior of the family members. Unfortunately, these problems become apparent quickly enough. If we are not careful, we can be drawn into the middle of a battle with the family, bringing our own emotional baggage with us.



There is a fine line between 'turning the other cheek' and becoming a door mat. It is important to prayerfully establish your boundaries and firmly hold to them without being pushy or controlling. If you think that sounds like a difficult task, I believe you are correct. You will not be able to do it on your own. It is essential that you and your spouse spend time in prayer and build a united front that shows your new family that you work as a team. Use this opportunity to strengthen your relationship with your spouse instead of letting the family issues tear you apart. You have a commitment before God and the family to unite and form your own family and your own traditions.

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." Ephesians 5:31 (New International Version)
Sometimes a parent has trouble allowing this natural progression to take place. For example, a mother-in-law may come to your house uninvited and take over your kitchen, or make unwanted suggestions about your housekeeping or child rearing. You and your spouse may need to sit down with this mother-in-law and explain that you need a little more privacy. However, if your spouse is not ready to confront their parents, keep quiet and pray until God releases them to do so. By talking about it at a time when everyone is calm and there has been no conflict, you may be able to avoid an explosion of emotion. If you hold your feelings in, you may find yourself yelling at her or saying mean things that you didn't intend to say.
This process can be painful for both sets of parents as they sense their relationships with their children shifting to a new position. Some people handle it gracefully, while others fight it every step of the way. It may help to remember that your spouse's parent held them as a baby and took them to school on the first day of Kindergarten. To you it may seem like a long time ago, but for them, it may feel like it was only yesterday. If you have empathy for them while holding your boundaries firm, you may find it easier to get along with them. During this Christmas season, make a decision to get along with your spouses family. Love and forgiveness can heal many bad feelings, even with your in laws.
� 2007 by Jewell R. Powell
Are You Selfish?

I hear most of you saying, "Absolutely not". I give, give and give and get nothing in return." However, that is a selfish statement. We are to give without expecting anything in return. "It is more blessed to give than to receive" (Acts 20:35).



We all know that selfishness is a bad character flaw. Most of us think that we are the icon of selflessness. There are many people exhibiting selfishness, but few that will admit to it. Let's look honestly at ourselves and our behavior to make sure that we uproot selfishness and keep the seeds of it out of our marriages.



The Bible gives us great detail about love and selflessness.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres" (1st Corinthians 13:4-6).

Let's look more closely at this passage. Do you regularly show patience and kindness to your spouse? Are you supportive of your spouse's accomplishments? If you claim to be selfless and giving, but do things for your partner with impatience and a sourly disposition, you are retaining a great deal of self interest and negativity.



Boasting and pride are classic symptoms of selfishness. When you have your mind wrapped around your own troubles (i.e. What have you done for me lately?) or when you think (I will not until they do), you are self seeking. We are encouraged not to be self-seeking.



We are to avoid being rude and easily angered. If we are focused and caring towards our spouse, we will not speak to them in a rude way, but build them up. Controlling your anger is imperative in every aspect of life, and especially in your marriage.



Love keeps no record of wrongs. That means we must forgive when necessary without holding it against our spouse. Forgive and forget; meaning that you don't continue to bring up the same indiscretions over again every time you have an argument. Forgive and move on. We also must not 'keep score'. Do you ever catch yourself thinking, "I gave him a new watch for his birthday. I can't believe he only bought me this toaster oven."? Or maybe you think, "I mowed the lawn, cleaned the gutters, and changed the oil and all she did was wash her hair and dust the living room." Stop placing conditions on your love and give freely to one another. If we are giving unconditionally, we will not be keeping a roster of who has done more good and who has made more mistakes. Give each other the benefit of the doubt. If each spouse tries to give 50%, it is not enough. You should both give 100%. Although there may be times, when one has to give more while the other is going through a rough time. That makes me think about the scripture that talks about - what reward do you think you will get from heaven if you only do good to those who are good to you? Know that your reward will come [from heaven] when you love the unlovable and those who persecute you. (my paraphrase of Matthew 5:43-48).



Love trusts, hopes, and perseveres. Although your spouse may have hurt you in some way, God's love in you allows you to place your trust in God so that you two can move forward toward a hopeful and peaceful future. Through perseverance, you can grow in love and obtain the life that is pleasing to each other and to God.



Curb selfishness in your relationship by cultivating love and peace in your hearts and actions. Instead of giving conditionally, open your hearts and stop worrying about 'getting yours'. Read 1st Corinthians 13 on a regular basis and use it as a measuring stick to challenge you to grow.


� 2007 by Jewell R. Powell




EVERY RELATIONSHIP CAN GROW AND BE ENRICHED. POTENTIALLY, EVERY MARRIAGE HAS THE CAPABILITY OF BECOMING STRONGER. LET'S WORK TOGETHER TO MAKE MARRIAGES BETTER, STARTING WITH OUR OWN !


Merry Christmas
Jewell R. Powell
Author & Marriage Coach
Marriage 101 & the Marriage 101 Workbook www.marriage101.us
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www.marriage101.us

by Jewell R. Powell, The Marriage Coach and author of Marriage 101: Building a Life Together by Faith. Visit us at www.marriage101.us